Reflections on the Imperfect Past
By Cynthia Mueller

If only we could take back the things that we say, or the things that we do . . . or fail to do . . . how many times have each of us reflected upon that thought in our minds as grown adults?  Do we ever wish that it could be just that easy?  Is there a “delete” button for life’s errors? As youngsters, we are presented with the concept that parents are almost God-like.  We are raised to believe that they can do no wrong; that these adults, with the wisdom, and experience of many long years lived already behind them, are wise, and infallible, perhaps omnipotent.  For, that is how things should be.

So, when those of us that are less than fortunate experience the constant beating down of our spirits from day to day; and year upon year, by being told that we are errant, worthless, and unlovable, whether by spoken word, implication, or denial of deserved praise or affection, and sometimes even through the atrocity of abuse, we begin to believe it.  We accept that these individuals, more powerful than ourselves, due to the simple entitlement of having been born first, are all-knowing and never incorrect.  Who are we, as small children, or even young adults, to question what they say, or presume to overrule their commands and desires?

Instead, this perception of worthlessness is ingrained into our psyches, even as we make our way into adulthood.  We accept our situation that we have been forced to grow up in as normal, and right, and perceive that all other family units behave exactly as ours have.  We learn to do what we are told, whether right or wrong, for the sake of keeping others around us happy, thereby overruling and suppressing our own desires and even our consciences.  We experience misplaced guilt, as we are continually blamed for other’s miseries, and fallacies.  Our minds and spirits become distorted, and we view ourselves, and the world around us, through a warped, errant point of view.  We come to believe that everything we say and do is faulty, and incorrect, and that we are somehow inferior, and incapable of accomplishing anything good or right in this world.  Our spirits withdraw.  This is the way that they have shown us; albeit hopelessly insane in its twisted perspective.

Unfortunately, so often, this inferior mindset and warped perspective is so well ingrained by the time we attain our adulthoods; that it persists just below the surface of our consciousness.  It eats away at our souls, and causes us to view others around us, no matter how right or good, wrongly, and through a misconstrued perspective. And so, we justify the wickedness that has now become our own, in our poisoned minds and souls, and pass it on to the next, innocent generation.

And this, my dear readers, has been my greatest lesson in my life, not only as a mother, but as a human being as well. Many of us were lucky enough to have been born to parents that loved them with all of their hearts and souls, and rarely condemned, or held anything back from them as they grew into adulthood.  To those of you who were lucky enough to experience something so close to perfection, I say God Bless You!
 

Unfortunately, as we all know, evil persists in this world, and seems to become evermore omnipresent as the years flow past us quickly.  Many of us were raised in situations such as I have described at the beginning of this essay.  And, sadly, many of us have become trapped in empty, corrupt shells of individuals as adults, failing to recognize or implement our own talents or good traits, as well as acknowledge the depravity that infects us.  The evil that we inflict upon others does not disappear today, tomorrow, nor ever!  It is instead compounded from generation to generation, and only magnified.  And, at the end of our lives, all of our evil deeds will once again be shown to us at each of our own, individual times of reckoning.  We will be responsible for answering for every bit of pain that we have inflicted in this world, no matter how great, or miniscule, because we existed in it, and added to it.  If we are lucky, we come to understand this, before hurting not only our own selves irrevocably, but our loved ones as well. 

The innocence and openness of a child is not something that the Lord has gifted us with, as parents, to be treated callously and without regard for the damage we might cause if we proceed in thoughtless, careless, and many times, downright  immoral ways.  We must let our children know that they are valuable individuals, created in the Lord’s image, with their own unique personalities, talents, and desires.  We must raise them to understand what proper boundaries are, and reinforce and respect their own establishment of boundaries as their personalities develop, and as the reasons that God placed them on this earth begin to emerge.  We all have a purpose in this life, and when children are made to believe that the individual talents or thoughts that they possess are stupid, something to be ashamed of, or even worthless, those gifts become suppressed over time.

We must ask ourselves if it is more important to exert complete, domineering control over our children, in the name of order, or even our own selfishness, or whether it is more Christ-like to allow them to develop their one-of-a-kind abilities and personalities.  The Lord in Heaven designated them with these traits, so that they might someday make their way down their own, unique path where He awaits, to open their own, individual gate. 

When my youngest son was approximately four, I was facing difficulties in my work life, and had been recently taking many of my frustrations out on him.  One day, during one of my tirades, I realized I had him covering much in the same manner as I had experienced as a little girl.  Hopelessness consumed his innocent features, and he literally shrank down into his seat, with tear-filled eyes, as he began to realize that his mother thought he was insignificant, worthless, and perhaps, even unlovable.
It was in that very instant that suddenly, as if slapped in the face, I saw myself as the adult that had inflicted such identical grief and pain on me, when I was young.  That moment was a gut-wrenching eye-opener.  For, I had found myself behaving in the same, exact, deplorable manner that I had always abhorred, and believed myself to be above.  I spent several weeks sickened, and in misery after that, realizing just what I had become, and contemplating and re-evaluating my motherhood; and myself as a person.  I had, after all, repeated the same, exact behavior, that I forcefully realized had been the root of my own, very personal downfall.  

If only we could take back the things that we say, or the things that we do . . . or fail to do. . . 
It is not possible to take back words said in resentment, anger, or downright sin-consumed hatred.  It is not possible to erase actions, neglect, turn back the clock, or remove the pain that we have inflicted on others.  And, it is not possible to repair damaged souls, nor personalities, nor restore the talents or gifts that were abandoned years before in a hopeless child’s effort to somehow make the adults in his or hers life appreciate them more; perhaps even love them.  It is not possible to prevent a child, who becomes a grown adult, from repeating the same mistakes that you ingrained into their psyches as they developed.

Yet, it is not written in stone that we are not able to change, or that we are unable to divert our own selves from a path of destruction, not only for ourselves, but for the future and well-being of our own, sweet, innocent children.  All is not lost!  Anything is possible, with Christ.

If only we can recognize the flaws that exist within ourselves because of our pasts, and change our own selves, then will we realize that only with this recognition, and the love of the Lord, Jesus Christ, that we do have it within our ownpower to overcome our past imperfections!  It is our responsibility as adults, no matter what our predicaments might have been as developing children, not to repeat the same mistakes that the adults that were responsible for us did, so many, many years ago.
The past, for some of us, is best left just there, in the past.  There is always hope in tomorrow.
 And, for those of us who have had this particular, desperate cross to bear, know that there ishope, not only for our children, but ourselves, as well. 

Cynthia Mueller is the author of “Beyond the Garden Arbor”